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Megan's Journal  How do you trust someone again after they've hurt you so much? Everything happens for a reson. My mom used to always tell me to try to look at the brighter side of things. Whenever I wouldn't talk to Mike for weeks on end and I would get scared... she would remind me that no news was good news and things would be fine. Love was something I was taught to cherish at a young age. I felt it early on and witnessed the good and bad points of it. I always wanted to be in love. Couldn't wait to wake up next to someone and know that I was loved all through out the day. I loved the cuddles in front of the TV on a cold day... wrestling around on the bed....taking showers together...cake / whipped creme / shaving gel / toothpaste fights.... Every second of it. I am almost 21 years old... and I haven't been single since I was 13. I always left the person I was with.. I had my reasons for each one. And always jumped feet first into a new relationship with someone I thought was better. Sometimes I was right... but sometimes I was wrong. I have just experianced my first real breakup. The pain at points was/is unbearable.. but then the other times... I'm optimistic. This is my chance to be single... go to college, spend time with the girls, have some freedom. Maybe even make a few more mistakes. Sounds great doesnt it. This is what I want. I know it is... so why can't I let go of the past? I thought Tony was the love of my life. I looked at him and my face lit up. I could actually feel it. He always made me smile and laugh. He helped me through the hardest year of my life and no matter what happens he will always be in my heart because of that. We faught... not more than any other couple, but we faught. There were things about him that I couldn't stand.. But I still loved him. Its one of those situations where.. if I had known that would have been our last night together..I wouldnt have wanted to get out of bed. It doesnt make it any easier when I have heard him say that he isnt happy without me, that he misses me and still loves me. I'm not ready to let him go, and yet I have to. I'm leaving the state of Nebraska on Wed at 5am. I'm going to stay with some family until I can get my own place. I can only hope that we can say goodbye. Just goes to show that things arent always what they seem... and prince charming is human underneath his shinning armor. Things are better this way... .and it really only hurts sometimes. It hurts because I know he is a mile down the road and I'm online and know when he isn't there... It will get easier. I have every intention of going to college to be a nurse, and moving on wiht my life. I have to learn that my life doestn just end when things like this happen. I'm growing up, I'm finishing school, and I'm going to do what is right for me for once. No more tears... no more waiting on him to show up.. no more caring... Brick walls are being put up. Its time to let go. Anyone know how to do that? Current mood:  optimistic.Current music: Lithium, Evenescense. I dont know what to do anymore... Current mood:  sad.
Ok So I should update.... No pregnancy... *thank god* not that I wouldn't love a baby.. but lets face it.. I don't need another on right now. I have a job at Days Inn working the front desk. Its a min. wage job.. but it helps I suppose. I like it ok.. I mostly work nights so all I have to do is basic cleaning and maybe a few check ins. Plus I get to check my email while I work. But.. I'm not suppose to. *wink* My birthday was rather bland. I helped out a friend at work, and she agreed to get me drunk. I had a few beers, and hardly had a buzz.... and went to bed. Tony asked me to marry him. I was really upset about it. We were sitting on the porch he was behind me with his arms around me and I was sitting between his legs on the stair below him. He just blurted it out.. Tony: "Hey, guess what?" Me: "what?" Tony: "Will you marry me?" Me: "yes" Tony: "see I told you I would ask you soon." a few seconds go by... Tony: blah blah blah something about Jedi mud. I was almost in tears. I knew he was going to ask me.. and had it all set in my mind that it would be something heartfelt and romantic and I get that. I said maybe two words for the next 45 minutes before I burst into tears about how horrible that was and how he didnt love me and all that. The look on his face made me cry more. I felt horrible for wanting more than that.. but I couldn't help it. He told me he was sorry and that he couldnt afford the ring I wanted but would get it for me soon and ask me again in a better way. So I am "engaged" kinda.. I know, I know... you are all going.. "here she goes again" I'm not rushing into this. We did pick a date which is Feb. 23rd 2007. That is 2 years after our first kiss. That will give us plenty of time to plan and think it through. Darcie started pre-school. She loves is and is really excited about it. She calls me and tells me about it... and counts to me in spanish, japanise ( i know thats wrong ) and english.. so her teacher is going to teach her to count in German also. I'm like OMG shes only 4. Paige is talking pretty well now. She wont talk to me alot on the phone yet but she says "hi, bye and I love you" thats about all I can get out of her. Peyton just had her 4 month shots on the 29th, she was really not happy about it and screamed like a newborn to let me and everyone in the clinic know. I can't remember off hand how much she weighs.. but she's a chunker for sure. Nic is being an ass hole and I really wish all the custody crap with Peyton was over so I could leave and he could leave me alone!! I swear the only good things to come out of that relationship are Peyton and Tony. Ok that sounds weird.. but its true. My friend Christin who has been dating Tony's older brother Andrew for two years.. is pregnant again in due sometime early next year. She and Andrew had a baby girl Abigail Paige in January. A few other friends had baby boys. Andrew and Christina had a baby boy named Seth something... and Cami had a baby boy Hunter Reid. Anyway.. thats all I really have to report. :)        
Dont have alot of Peyton... but here is one. 
www.myspace.com/meganknotts So yeh... Nic got his nipples pierced yesterday, and a tattoo today. He made me mad that he was getting all these things and I didnt get anything. So I talked him into getting me a tattoo for my birthday next month, he just gave it to me a month in advance. :) Its cute. Lemme see, I get to see Ultarviolet this weekend.. Ok I have nothing to talk about. Tony and I are getting married on Jedimud Friday the 30th. Its gonna be cute. It fake before you all have a cow... its just on a game.. our chars will be married. I am running around in a tank top so it wont rub on my shoulder so much.. and I am freakin freezing. Its 70 degrees outside and somehow I'm cold. God I'm weird... I spent like 2 hours on the front porch talking to Tony about moving back to WV so dad and Tina can help me out a little.... but I dont want to leave Peyton. IDK. Current mood:  confused.
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